The other night I was trying to point out some constellations to my wife, who did her best to make sure to put on her best "pretending to care" face. We have an agreement where when I go Super Nerd on her and get excited about science, she doesn't tell me to shut the hell up. Marriage is compromise, after all.
It got me thinking, "Why do we have constellations at all? It's just a bunch of dots in the sky with random lines connecting them." Well, we're hardwired for pattern recognition, and we can't stand chaos (the Joker excluded). If we didn't recognize patterns (like how that sabertooth tiger has a pattern of trying to eat me), then our ancestors literally wouldn't have survived. We need familiarity and we need predictability because they give us some semblance of control over a world that couldn't care less what we think. It literally is a very small-scale version of a life and death situation. So what do we do when these patterns we so desperately want don't actually exist? We make them up! We create stories and then we try to convince ourselves (typically by trying to convince others) that we actually believe them. This isn't just connecting stars in the sky; this is how we make our choices day-to-day from who we consider a friend or foe, what job we take, and the everlasting questioning of "why" something has happened.
It got me thinking, "Why do we have constellations at all? It's just a bunch of dots in the sky with random lines connecting them." Well, we're hardwired for pattern recognition, and we can't stand chaos (the Joker excluded). If we didn't recognize patterns (like how that sabertooth tiger has a pattern of trying to eat me), then our ancestors literally wouldn't have survived. We need familiarity and we need predictability because they give us some semblance of control over a world that couldn't care less what we think. It literally is a very small-scale version of a life and death situation. So what do we do when these patterns we so desperately want don't actually exist? We make them up! We create stories and then we try to convince ourselves (typically by trying to convince others) that we actually believe them. This isn't just connecting stars in the sky; this is how we make our choices day-to-day from who we consider a friend or foe, what job we take, and the everlasting questioning of "why" something has happened.
Imagine you're back in high school. I know, I know, that can be cause enough for a session or two. Remember your relationships back then, be they romantic or just friendships? We were all obsessed with whether or not people liked us, but of course we never had the guts to ask. We'd try connecting these dots that we probably misinterpreted, anyway. "Oh no, she didn't sit next to me in class. And then earlier she didn't smile at me in the hall. And then today she gave me a note to pass along in fourth period, but she always does it before third period. She hates me. My life is over." Then you go and talk to your friend about it, dramatically because, you know, the world just ended, and he tells you that she sucks anyway and you don't need her. You didn't even talk to the girl and now you've decided that she's feminine evil personified. Sound familiar?
In that instance, you built this sort of constellation of things that had nothing to do with each other, but you established a pattern, anyway. You used this non-existent-but-existent-to-you pattern to make a decision that she hated you, even though none of these events were related. We do the same thing the other way, convincing ourselves that somebody likes us because of a bunch of unconnected dots that we somehow drew together into a heart shape. Or your best friend didn't call you back that weekend so obviously he's mad at you for taking the last slice of pizza two summers ago. You're such a jerk, no wonder he hates you. Until you talk to him Monday and it turns out his phone died. And you didn't even go to the funeral, he definitely hates you now.
It doesn't stop in high school, and it's not just limited to relationships. At work we can think our boss hates us based on coincidences rather than reality. Say you get a bad review on Monday and then Thursday you get a tough assignment. Those aren't two points to connect to make a line, and it doesn't mean that your boss hates you.
The most important ones, though, are when we feel like life is going down the tubes (but bad tubes, not Mario-like tubes which are usually awesome). We get a broken heart, a denied mortgage, a crap ton of traffic all day, and have a PC load letter error (what the **** does that mean?) at work. It can feel like the world is coming to an end, that it's life telling you that you're a failure and things will be awful forever. It doesn't and it isn't. It's just a series of things, a "To Do" list that life is giving you to improve upon. Do better, work harder, and be patient. Do your best and the best will come.
So the stars aren't aligning to make a decision for you; you are making the decisions yourself. Do you want life to be great? Then see it that way and make it that way. Do you want life to be awful? Then see it that way and make it that way. Don't base decisions on random events in your life, things that we connect that have nothing to do with each other. Make your choices based on reality, and you can't go wrong.
In that instance, you built this sort of constellation of things that had nothing to do with each other, but you established a pattern, anyway. You used this non-existent-but-existent-to-you pattern to make a decision that she hated you, even though none of these events were related. We do the same thing the other way, convincing ourselves that somebody likes us because of a bunch of unconnected dots that we somehow drew together into a heart shape. Or your best friend didn't call you back that weekend so obviously he's mad at you for taking the last slice of pizza two summers ago. You're such a jerk, no wonder he hates you. Until you talk to him Monday and it turns out his phone died. And you didn't even go to the funeral, he definitely hates you now.
It doesn't stop in high school, and it's not just limited to relationships. At work we can think our boss hates us based on coincidences rather than reality. Say you get a bad review on Monday and then Thursday you get a tough assignment. Those aren't two points to connect to make a line, and it doesn't mean that your boss hates you.
The most important ones, though, are when we feel like life is going down the tubes (but bad tubes, not Mario-like tubes which are usually awesome). We get a broken heart, a denied mortgage, a crap ton of traffic all day, and have a PC load letter error (what the **** does that mean?) at work. It can feel like the world is coming to an end, that it's life telling you that you're a failure and things will be awful forever. It doesn't and it isn't. It's just a series of things, a "To Do" list that life is giving you to improve upon. Do better, work harder, and be patient. Do your best and the best will come.
So the stars aren't aligning to make a decision for you; you are making the decisions yourself. Do you want life to be great? Then see it that way and make it that way. Do you want life to be awful? Then see it that way and make it that way. Don't base decisions on random events in your life, things that we connect that have nothing to do with each other. Make your choices based on reality, and you can't go wrong.
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