In my practice, I’ve been working with high school seniors since the class of 2012.  In the short time since, a disturbing trend I’ve noticed is this sense of urgency for juniors and seniors to have their entire lives charted out before them.  I’m not talking just about whether or not to go to college.  I’m talking about having specific programs and professors and grad schools picked out, jobs narrowed down to titles, salaries, and positions.  And it’s not just limited to them, adults are doing this too.

When we get down to it, it ultimately seems to stem from this idea of, "I don't know what to do with my life." Call me old fashioned, actually don't because my name is Jason, but isn't that the point of waking up each day? To figure out what you want to do and do your best to do it?
I don't like the word "should" or its synonymous phrases ("supposed to" and the like) because it implies that there's some absolute right way to do something. I'm dating myself here (sounds weird, hope my wife doesn't take it the wrong way), but if there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, then how the hell could there be a wrong way to figure out what your goals are?  You aren’t ever going to be mailed, texted, DM’d, inboxed, snapped, or hashtagged what to do with your life.  That’s for you to figure out through exploration and experimentation.

I know, it can sound intimidating to not have a way to do things, because that’s what we’re used to.  When we’re in school, we follow the directions for the assignment.  When we’re at work, we do what our boss says.  However, life isn’t like those things.  It’s more like when we’re trying to put together IKEA furniture:  You try to figure out what the hell this comic strip thing is, find out you’re missing screws, realize you’re pronouncing whatever the name is of what you bought wrong, and then do the best that you can given what you have.  Sometimes it turns out to be what you want, most of the time you have to make adjustments.  Every time you wish you bought some of those meatballs.

In all seriousness, it is absolutely critical to remember that your goal regarding the future is not to make the right decision; it’s to make the best decision you can with the information, tools, and abilities you have at the moment.  Then tomorrow you do the same thing.  Over and over.  And it just gets better.  In high school you may think that you’ve got life all planned and you have to follow it to the letter. Spoiler alert:  You don’t, you won’t.  And that’s a good thing.

To illustrate this, look at what you’re wearing on any given day.  It likely fits your personality, what you like in life, what’s fashionable, and who you are right now.  Okay, now look at a picture from ten years ago.  Um, what’s with that hair?  Why were you allowed out of the house in that shirt?  What the hell were you thinking?  Well, at the time, you were wearing what fit your personality, what you liked in life, what was fashionable, and who you were in the moment.  Looking at that decade-old picture you’re thinking, “Ugh, why did I do that?  That was a bad choice, and what I’m wearing now is what’s right.”  Well, in ten years, you’ll look back on a picture of you today and be asking the same exact questions.

At any given moment, we either feel like we have it all figured out or like we should.  The thing is, we never do.   Here's a table to show what I mean because who doesn't like tables?​

The situation would stay that way until around 9:30 this morning.  The shooter was dead after 20 hours of taking a community hostage.

I had neither the opportunity nor the honor to know Cpl. Ballard.  I do know that he and I are --forgive me-- were the same age.  I know that he took the risk of yesterday’s final chapter of his life for eight and a half years.  Getting up, going out, not knowing if he would return from a shift of protecting us.  Every day he was able to come home, until yesterday.  A third of a century on this Earth ended for whatever reasons, none of which worth the text that could be used to write them.

My office is right next to a fire station.  A dozen times a day I hear the sirens go off, selfishly say a quick version of a prayer that it’s not for my family or anyone I know, and wish luck to whoever that truck or ambulance was for.  Clients, understandably, can be a little startled as they don’t hear it often.  For me, though, it was my norm.  A desensitization had set in, just like on the news with a report of something bad happening.  Everyday, someone lost her or his life in a way that would make the news, everyone would say the word “tragedy”, and then it’s time to see what the weather will be like this weekend.  

The victim in each of those stories, though, doesn’t care about whether the weather is rain or shine, because for that person, there is no weather.  It’s done.  Next weekend the same.  And every weekend after that.  For Cpl. Ballard’s family and friends, it’s going to be 80 degrees, sunny, and most importantly entirely empty.  As will each day after that.  The emotional bleeding may stop, the pain may dull as the mind gets used to it, but the scar will remain whether or not it’s today’s headline.

I did see a massive outpouring of support for those who were not allowed in the neighborhood until the situation was resolved.  Someone I know well offered to pick up children from school if parents could not make it there due to the shelter-in-place order.  Food was donated by Middletown Pizza to a local police troop.  Individual citizens brought food and blankets and other comforts to those displaced residents waiting in a nearby shopping center.  The local firehouse opened a shelter for the night as the situation looked more and more like it would not be resolved.

There was a girl was home alone in her basement, as all residents who could not flee were advised to do, for the entirety of this time.  I can’t imagine the fear in her mind or the terror in the minds of her parents.

While my child is too young to understand what has happened, this was an excellent chance to talk to the teenagers I saw yesterday as this situation was unfolding.  I frequently, if not incessantly, hammer home the point of personal responsibility and the long-term consequences of our actions.  This paired with the ongoing discussions of the series “13 Reasons Why” and its romanticization of suicide have been opportunities that are as unfortunate as they are golden to talk to kids about the realities of their choices and the permanent reverberations they cause.  In this very dark day, we can make our mark to prevent this from happening again.

It is also critical to remember that as parents we have tremendous influence, but choices are still made on an individual basis.  This is a small town and a small state, and while their son may be a murderer, the parents of this person are not.  If you live here, then you are probably connected to everyone by two or three degrees, whether it’s a friend of a friend, a sister of a teacher, or a neighbor’s doctor.  You’re going to know everyone whether you are conscious of it or not, and it’s important to remember whose responsibility this is.  Through a few people, I know one of the parents of the shooter.  This parent is a good person despite the son’s actions.  Resist the urge to synonymize the family’s last name with its most notorious member.  His actions do not balance or impact the contributions this family has made throughout their lives.

After the initial shooting, many said, “The shooter didn’t think about the officer’s family when he shot him!”  This is true, and it only adds to the despicability of the crime.  Simultaneously, the shooter didn’t think of his own family, either.  The grieving family of Cpl. Ballard mourns a hero while the shooter’s family is left to mourn a killer.  The shooter is a junior, so his father will never escape his son’s terrible legacy.  The pain that this family will endure in no way minimizes the pain of Cpl. Ballard’s, and vice versa.  As a community, we must come together for all victims regardless of their bloodlines.  The reverberations of our actions have no respect for titles, social constructs, or our own categorizations.

I hesitate to post this out of the possibility to have a perception of hypocrisy, but I am saddened by those who have made it a point to have this incident, during and subsequent to, become yet another source of attention-seeking behaviors.  Cpl. Ballard, along with everyone who shares that uniform and its local variations, is a hero and a professional.  Admonishing law enforcement for not treating this situation like Call of Duty by running in with guns blazing is completely disrespectful to the officer and his comrades that you supposedly are mourning.  You are telling them how to do their jobs, ones you are not brave or able enough to currently have, you are telling them to put their own lives at risk, you are telling them to put the rest of the neighborhood at risk, because you know better?  As unprofessional as this may be to say, you are part of the problem when you say things like this.  You are demonstrating arrogance, self-importance, and apathy.  You are not making yourself look good.  Get over yourselves.  A blue line in your profile picture doesn’t make up for making someone else’s grief your own reality show.  If you judge your success in life by the number of comments or likes that you get, then you have some work to do to find out why that is.

Those who make light of Cpl. Ballard’s death are barely worth the seconds it took to mention.  He and countless others died to protect your ability to, quite frankly, act like an ass.

I close this with a sincere thank you to everyone who risks the same sacrifice that Cpl. Ballard made yesterday, whether today, tomorrow, or in days past.  While individual police officers may disgrace their uniform by the decisions they made that do not represent law enforcement, the vast majority do this job to protect and serve, and we will never know the danger they encounter and the safety they guarantee.  I also thank Appoquinimink School District for keeping our children safe, providing updates to terrified parents, and making sure that our children’s very temporary innocence was protected just a bit longer.

If this situation has shaken you as it has many of us, do not bear it alone.  Talk to someone and do not fear a shame in doing so.  In fact, relish in the strength that you have to open up.  Cpl. Ballard died protecting you, and taking care of yourself makes sure that his sacrifice is not in vain.

​

Anyone who knows me in any sense knows that I love to be right.  After all, when we're right, we feel validated in our opinions and how we present ourselves.  We spend a lot of time, energy, and money (sometimes wisely, often poorly) to get where we are, and so we need to be right, or else what are we fighting for?   For example, that last sentence had way too much punctuation, but dammit I typed it, so I found a way to somewhat make it work.  It's about the principle! . . . or something.  Who cares, I'm right!  Sounds silly, but we'll get there in a moment.

However, a couple of Sundays ago I was reminded of an even better feeling than being right about sentence structure in a blog: Being wrong.  My Washington Redskins have an absolutely ABYSMAL record against the St. Louis Rams.  Lots of history there, almost all of it bad for us.  I thought for sure that we were going to lose, and then we didn't.  Every time that we would make a play, I told myself that it was an aberration and that an interception was coming on the next play (which turned out to be four days later).  By the time we got to the closing minutes of the fourth quarter, I realized that we really were going to win, and it was fantastic.  I was dead wrong and yet felt so alive!

The best thing that you can be is wrong.  If you weren't wrong, then you're as good as you're going to be.  Being wrong means that things could possibly be infinitely better than you think.

​I work with a lot of people who are in different types of conflicts.  Employees with their bosses, spouses with each other, teenagers with anything an adult says ever.   It seems that neither side wants to back down, ever.  The subject doesn't matter, just who "wins" the argument, and that is one of the worst ways to go about getting friends, respect, or any positive regard from anyone who really matters.  That temporary rush of victory that washes over you will erode the relationship you have with the "loser" of the argument.

Just a quick note on that while I have your attention:  Please remember why you are arguing in the first place.  What are you trying to accomplish?  Picking where to eat dinner?  Well, allergies excluded, what does that matter if the person sitting across from the table isn't talking to you the whole time?  Yeah, you won the argument, but that Taco Bell doesn't taste so good now, does it?  The taste of bad nachos are never worth the taste of victory.  I should put that on a bumper sticker that I don't intend to sell many of.

​I've found that the couples/people who get the most out of conflicts are the ones who are the most open to "being wrong" on the most topics.  Believe it or not, sometimes we have a loyalty to our point of view only because it's our point of view.  When you're spending the time during which someone else is talking just trying to think of a good response, then you're doing it wrong.  What if, and I know that this is going to cause some sort of tear in the space-time continuum and Morpheus is going to come out and say "It's all a computer program, Mr. Anderson" and blow your mind, but what if the other person is right?   And, stay with me here, what if the other person being wrong is actually to your advantage?

As humans, we have a natural urge to keep things the way that they are.  The idea is that how things are have kept us alive thus far, so we're resistant to change.  However, Just because you've thought that something is true for a long time doesn't make it anymore true.   Think about your drive to work: You've taken the same route every day for how long, and while it may have been the fastest/best back when you started, it may not be now (yes, DelDOT does sometimes make things easier even if it takes a year or five).  Someone, or your GPS, tells you that there's a faster route, but you want to stick with the one you know.  

Most likely you will argue, whether it's with the person/GPS or with yourself, to stick with the route you're used to even though it's plain as day that the new route is better.  This is something called cognitive dissonance.  When you have a firm belief, and then you get evidence to the contrary, your mind can't take it, so it tends to stick with what that belief already was.   Hundreds of years ago, people were burned at the stake when presented with evidence that the world wasn't flat.  We also do this when justifying a purchase that we know that we shouldn't have.  "Oh, I mean I know that most cars have brakes, but this one didn't come with it, and that's fine.  It just gets me there faster."  Or convincing yourself that being a Redskins fan isn't so bad.  "Well, we were 4-12 this year, which is better than 3-13 last year, so I'd better buy tickets for the Super Bowl!"

Anyway, enough with the psych lesson.  Back to other people being right and how that is a good thing.  So you're presented with this new route to work, and you just bite the bullet and try it.  Then something magical happens:  Your boss doesn't yell at you for being late.  In fact, you're ten minutes early.  See?  In this instance, you were wrong, and that's great.  Maybe that restaurant that your wife wants to go to actually will be your favorite once you try it?  Whenever you're surprised, that's an instance of being wrong, and it's often a really good thing.  Like when  the Redskins actually do pull off a last-minute touchdown to win the game even though you had already given up before the drive began.  Sorry, the football analogies will taper off as our season does, which probably is in like three weeks.  Though hopefully I'm wrong about that.

Anyway, be open to the idea of being.  If you were right all the time, then you'd be stuck with where you are.  Nothing could ever get better because you're already doing it the right way.  Wouldn't that suck for THIS to be as good as it gets, no matter how good it is now?  We always want tomorrow to be better than today, so dropping the ego and being open to the idea of being wrong may actually pay off.  If you don't do that, then you're well on your way to becoming an old man/woman who doesn't need a new-fangled iPhone to watch the YouTubes on the Google because you're just fine how you are.  Nobody wants to be like that, so get out there and try being wrong for a change, don't be that old man!

​Now get off my lawn.

The other night I was trying to point out some constellations to my wife, who did her best to make sure to put on her best "pretending to care" face.  We have an agreement where when I go Super Nerd on her and get excited about science, she doesn't tell me to shut the hell up.  Marriage is compromise, after all.

It got me thinking, "Why do we have constellations at all?  It's just a bunch of dots in the sky with random lines connecting them."  Well, we're hardwired for pattern recognition, and we can't stand chaos (the Joker excluded).   If we didn't recognize patterns (like how that sabertooth tiger has a pattern of trying to eat me), then our ancestors literally wouldn't have survived.  We need familiarity and we need predictability because they give us some semblance of control over a world that couldn't care less what we think.  It literally is a very small-scale version of a life and death situation.  So what do we do when these patterns we so desperately want don't actually exist?  We make them up!  We create stories and then we try to convince ourselves (typically by trying to convince others) that we actually believe them.  This isn't just connecting stars in the sky; this is how we make our choices day-to-day from who we consider a friend or foe, what job we take, and the everlasting questioning of "why" something has happened.

Imagine you're back in high school.  I know, I know, that can be cause enough for a session or two.  Remember your relationships back then, be they romantic or just friendships?  We were all obsessed with whether or not people liked us, but of course we never had the guts to ask.  We'd try connecting these dots that we probably misinterpreted, anyway.  "Oh no, she didn't sit next to me in class.  And then earlier she didn't smile at me in the hall.  And then today she gave me a note to pass along in fourth period, but she always does it before third period.  She hates me.  My life is over."   Then you go and talk to your friend about it, dramatically because, you know, the world just ended, and he tells you that she sucks anyway and you don't need her.  You didn't even talk to the girl and now you've decided that she's feminine evil personified.  Sound familiar?

In that instance, you built this sort of constellation of things that had nothing to do with each other, but  you established a pattern, anyway.  You used this non-existent-but-existent-to-you pattern to make a decision that she hated you, even though none of these events were related.  We do the same thing the other way, convincing ourselves that somebody likes us because of a bunch of unconnected dots that we somehow drew together into a heart shape.  Or your best friend didn't call you back that weekend so obviously he's mad at you for taking the last slice of pizza two summers ago.  You're such a jerk, no wonder he hates you.  Until you talk to him Monday and it turns out his phone died.   And you didn't even go to the funeral, he definitely hates you now. 

It doesn't stop in high school, and it's not just limited to relationships.  At work we can think our boss hates us based on coincidences rather than reality.  Say you get a bad review on Monday and then Thursday you get a tough assignment.  Those aren't two points to connect to make a line, and it doesn't mean that your boss hates you.

The most important ones, though, are when we feel like life is going down the tubes (but bad tubes, not Mario-like tubes which are usually awesome).  We get a broken heart, a denied mortgage, a crap ton of traffic all day, and have a PC load letter error (what the **** does that mean?) at work.  It can feel like the world is coming to an end, that it's life telling you that you're a failure and things will be awful forever.  It doesn't and it isn't.  It's just a series of things, a "To Do" list that life is giving you to improve upon.  Do better, work harder, and be patient.  Do your best and the best will come.

So the stars aren't aligning to make a decision for you; you are making the decisions yourself.  Do you want life to be great?  Then see it that way and make it that way.  Do you want life to be awful?  Then see it that way and make it that way.  Don't base decisions on random events in your life, things that we connect that have nothing to do with each other.  Make your choices based on reality, and you can't go wrong.

Okay, imagine that you're at a party or meet-and-greet or even just waiting in line for the guy ahead of you to finish counting his thousands of tickets at Dave & Buster's because he "doesn't trust the machine."  You start talking to someone, and after giving your name, what's the first question that you ask that person?  It's not, "What inspires you?" or "What's your favorite thing to do?"  No, the immediate question -- almost reflexively --  is,  "What do you do?"  Of course that's asking what a person's job is.  The response is, and I'm guilty of this too, "I am a therapist/teacher/engineer/firefighter/cashier/whatever."  But are you really?  Is that what you want to be known as when you pass on?  "Jason Levin: A Guy Who Can Be Summed Up By A Job He Chose" isn't what I want my legacy to be.  I want to be known as a culmination of myself and my experiences, not just how others see me and a job title defines me.

Just like I said back in middle school math, numbers are a big problem.  Not just with algebra, but I see a lot lately is people using their bank accounts/number of followers/likes on Facebook as some sort of scoreboard.  It's as if the value of your assets is the value of you as a person, the number of people following you is a measure of the ideas that you have that deserve to be followed, the number of likes is the number of things to like about you.  It's not any of those things.  Humans are hardwired to measure/judge/recognize patterns, so I see where these ideas are coming from.  At the same time, we're also hardwired to have a tailbone and appendix that serve no purpose other than to be potential medical bills.  The same goes with the hundreds and thousands of dollars that you're spending on clothes, which are ultimately just  really expensive props to ask in ten years when you're looking at a picture of yourself, "What the hell was I wearing?!"  It will go out of style.  Something else will come into style.  Down the line your kids will make fun of you for wearing it.  It's inevitable and not worth obsessing or criticizing over.

It always breaks my heart when people who come in here and define either themselves or someone else by what is perceived to be a negative aspect of themselves or habit they don't exactly want to put on a resumé.  "I'm a dumb kid, I'm ugly, I'm an addict."  No, you had a bad marking period and will work harder next time.  You're not ugly, you're beautiful in ways that you haven't yet found or appreciated (not to mention that you're not defined by your looks).  You're not an addict, you have a destructive habit that you have yet to break.  If you define yourself by your self-perceived failures, then you will be a failure.  If you define yourself by your self-perceived successes, then you can succeed.  It's not that complicated.

If you want to be happy, then you have to be you.  Don't be who you think others want you to be, don't minimize your existence to simply whether or not you have the latest iPhone, don't be a slave to your job.  Be you.  Turn yourself into something that other people will use as a reference point later on.  Not the next LeBron, not the next Bill Gates, not the next Einstein; you are the first you.  Define yourself that way and every day will be brighter than the last because you will be the light continuing to shine more radiantly with each beautiful aspect that you discover about yourself.  Be you, love you, and then your life can begin.

To those of you who know what is going on in the picture to your left, keep reading.  To those of you who don't know, don't you have homework that you should be doing instead of making me feel incredibly old?  This post may not be for you depending on how hardcore your parents are about avoiding any possible talk about sex.  Don't say I didn't warn you (you're welcome for putting Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" in your head).

I have found that the crux of most problems in relationships, whether it's between those you love due to romantic feelings or those you love due to obliga-- I mean familial relationships.  Most of the time it's not that the other person is being a jerk to you, he's just not getting his point across well (which, as I explore a little more in depth, is always the speaker's responsibility!).  You're interpreting it a certain way based on what you're hearing, but often (read: almost every time) it's not what the other person meant.  You then react to what he said based on your interpretation, probably in a snide way, which gets a bad reaction from him, and then it goes on and on and on.  Don't you wish that you could just pull a Zach Morris and call timeout?  Well, copyrights say you can't, but using a safe word is the next best thing.  And doesn't require a ten-pound cell phone.

Imagine Tom and Betty are getting into a fight over, well, nothing.  It happens a lot with couples, but it doesn't need to.  See if you can see where things have gone wrong:

Tom:  Honey, are you almost ready?



Betty:  I'm going as fast as I can.  Why do you always rush me?


Tom:  What are you talking about?  I'm just trying to get there for once.


Betty:  Well if you would get home earlier then we could leave earlier!

And so on and so forth until I'm getting a call or e-mail from Betty about how Tom never listens or a message from Tom wondering what the hell just happened.  So where did it go wrong?  Right after Betty got defensive and Tom chose to respond with an aggressive comment.  The fault is on Tom since while Betty misunderstood what he said, it was Tom's job to clarify.

A safe word could easily come into play here.  What, exactly, is a safe word?  It's basically a phrase that people agree on that has a meaning that both understand.  Think of it like an inside joke that is actually a command, request, or alert.  Safe words are most commonly used in sexual situations where there's role playing or some sort of sadism and/or masochism going on in order to prevent things from going too far.  It's not just for that situation, though.  You can use it for everything from saying, "Time out" to "You're doing it again" to "Just go along with what I'm saying, I'll explain later."

What makes a good safe word?  Here are a couple of tips:

1. A word or phrase that you both know.  No use in picking something that needs to be said quickly if it's an SAT word that you never quite pronounced correctly.
2. Something that you don't use too often.  If you decide on a word you use every day in every situation, like, well, "like" or something along those lines, then the word loses its uniqueness, its power, and it doesn't stand out when said. 
3. Something that can sound natural in many environments.  I know that kind of seems contradictory to the above, but this word could be used in social situations and you don't want it to stand out to anyone else.  Can't be out shoveling snow and have "tanning bed" as your safe word.
4. The shorter the better.  "How many licks to the center of a lollipop?" takes too long, and remember, it's something that you don't want other people to catch onto.
5. Something that wouldn't easily be confused for another word or phrase.  Remember that you won't always hear it clearly, so you want to make sure it stands out to the other person.

One that I recommend a lot is the word "lamp."  Unless you're watching "Aladdin" (which I would totally understand because it's amazing), you don't really use that word.  Everyone knows it, it doesn't sound like anything except for "lamb" (which you also don't use often), and it's very quick to say.  Also, it can be worked into a conversation very easily (as you can always bring up "Aladdin", which I will be watching as soon as I post this).

Other times, when it's just you and the other person with no one else around, you can have ones that are a little longer.  One time I worked with a couple, two amazing people, who both had very long hours that involved talking with people all day long, often not pleasant conversations.  Coming home and having a long, drawn-out conversation was the last thing that either wanted, but there's always that feeling of, "Wait, she's not talking to me.  Is she mad at me?  I'd better go ask so that she'll be mad at me for bothering her and then I'll know for sure."  So we worked out that when she came home she would say to him, "Honey, I'm gonna go water the plants."   Was she going to water plants?  No, it was just a way of saying, "Honey, hello, I acknowledge your presence, I want to talk to you, I'm not mad at you, I love you, but I just need a little bit of a break from talking to people, so I'm going to take some time to myself."   That phrase literally put things on the right track for them, and unlike Taylor Swift, I haven't copyrighted it, so feel free to use it. 

Another situation where this comes in handy is when you're either in a tense or outright dangerous situation, and you need the other person to just follow your lead and you'll explain later.  I once was trying to get a better deal on a car and my friend who came with me tried to correct the car salesperson (who had actually made a mistake in my favor), and I could've killed my friend for it.  Luckily the salesman didn't hear, but now I have a safe word that I use that just means, "This might sound crazy, but shut up, follow my lead, and I'll explain later."  It also comes in handy in potential conflicts.  I interned in child welfare in Baltimore City, and while for the most part it was easy going, let's just say I needed to diffuse a quickly-escalating situation more than once.  

One last example is that I've used it with people when they felt that they were in dangerous situations, either with their parents or significant others, and it was a signal for me to either come over right away, call the police, or take another pre-determined action in order to maintain everyone's safety.  Please don't underestimate how important this can be.

So while you may not be able to be Zack Morris and call time out in real life, you can still make situations run a little more smoothly by using a safe word with those you love (or want to shut up when you're buying a car).  Whether it's saving you from getting in trouble with your own Mr. Belding or stopping fights before they even start, safe words are extremely helpful.

Now I'm off to find my copy of "Aladdin" . . .

As anyone who regularly goes to the gym -- like me except for the "going to the gym" part-- can tell you, there's a bunch of Resolutionaries (that's a real term, by the way) taking up all the machines in their Under Armour outfits that are so new that the tags are still on them.  Happens every January 1, but it usually dies down after a few weeks once people realize that there's a lot more to it than paying $50 for a neon tank top with dry wick technology.  There's a lot of work to it, and playing the part by wearing the clothes and paying the fees is the first step, not the only one.

If you're going to go, then that's awesome, and I'm not downplaying that.  It's a hell of a lot better than other people do, and EVERYONE could benefit from it.  Your doctor, if you even go to your doctor, will tell you to exercise and there may be a pretty strong medical reason to do so.  That doesn't mean that you actually will follow through after nodding your head and then changing the subject.  Wanting to improve is the same thing.  Everyone could use it, many have very good reasons to but haven't gotten started, and some take the first step and get discouraged when it's not immediate.  You're well on your way to being ripped but all you think that you see is that you're fat.  Good news: You're wrong.

A lot of people want to make changes and this time of year is a popular time to begin (though whatever time you want to start is the best time to start, no excuse if you don't start now!).  What shoots people in the foot, though, is that they enter this process like they are going to a gym for the first time:  All pumped and excited to do it, and then when you get there, you see all these machines and get intimidated because you don't know what the hell to do.  It can be overwhelming, but everyone who's ever done this, and there's a lot of people who have!, had the same feeling.  Nobody knows how to get started, but that doesn't mean that you can't do it.  At one point LeBron hadn't picked up a basketball, either.  Turned out pretty well for him (in Miami anyway, we'll see in Cleveland).

The very first thing that you need to do is write out everything that sucks about you.  Just kidding!. . . sort of.  I want you to write down all of the things that you want to change in terms of things that you do.  This means habits, hygiene, school, work, food, relationships, everything.  The longer the list the better.  If your list is two items long, then you're not being honest with yourself.  We all have a lot that we can change.  If you don't, and you're unhappy with how things are, then you're REALLY in a bad place.  Be brutally honest, and break it down.  Example:

Work

1. Waking up on time
2. Having my clothes picked out
3. Eating breakfast
4. Leaving on time
5. Arriving on time
6. Organizing my desk
7. Writing my name on my lunch so that ass Jimmy stops stealing it

See how I wrote those things in the proactive form?  I didn't write, "Stop waking up late", because that doesn't mean anything and isn't something to aim towards.   If someone asked you how to get to the beach from Philly, you wouldn't say, "Don't go to Nebraska", same thing here.  I wrote what I want the end result to be.  It's like a list of goals for the year that you see everywhere else, minus the unicorns and butterflies and sugarcoating (especially if your goal is to cut back on sweets, horses with one horn, and adult caterpillars). 

Once you make the list of things you want, make a list of tasks to do.  How are you going to wake up on time?  Set the alarm and glue thumbtacks to your snooze button so that you don't have that as an excuse (do not actually do that).   Actually lay your clothes out (remember, it's a new year, so "passes the sniff test" doesn't equal "clean).   Eat breakfast, and I don't care what anyone says, I learned in college that pizza can be a breakfast food, and I'm sticking to that.  But since I'm trying to be healthy, I'll make sure it has peppers on it or something.

As you do these things, check or cross them off your list.  Don't scribble them out, because you want to be able to read them later.  And because you're not a five-year-old (they can't have pizza for breakfast).

Finally, make a list of accomplishments (no, I'm not sponsored by Lists 'R Us).  This one isn't going to be just every day routine stuff, or else your list will look like this:

1. Exhale
2. Inhale
3. Exhale
4. Inhale
5. Start list from top

That's just lazy.  I mean, still breathe, but you don't want to be that silly about it (everyone knows you have to inhale before you exhale).  The accomplishments should be things that are unique to that day or something that you wish that you would have done last year, like turning that report in on time, getting homework done early, eating a salad instead of a can of spam, and so on.

Stuck?  Ask others what accomplishments/changes they've seen.  You'd be surprised as to how people may notice things that you didn't even see.  You'll look less stressed, less tired, and more confident.  They'll also notice that you are parking in their spot that you didn't know was their spot because you're only now making it to work on time so that you have a place to park that doesn't involve bribing a meter maid.  Bonus, you save money on meter maid bribes.  See how it snowballs?  You may not see the results right away if you don't actively look for them, but when you see all of those lists of goals achieved, tasks completed, and accomplishments, um, accomplished, you'll see that you're actually doing well.  This will keep you going and be an upward spiral.

Remember, habits don't discriminate between negative and positive; they're just habits.  Smoking, treating your significant other like an insignificant other, and being a mess that you don't want to clean up are bad habits.  Going to work on time, treating your significant other well, and improving yourself are good habits, and they develop just as easily.

So now you're on your way to truly meeting your New Year's resolution of making your life better.  You're at the gym and not just standing there dumbfounded.   You've actually worked out and realized that it's called "sweating", not "crying from your skin", that exercise feels good, and that showering in a public place can be legal.  From time to time you may hit a ceiling (with growth, not the medicine ball because you'll have to pay for that) and could use some help from a personal trainer.

Talking with someone is a lot like that.  Everyone could benefit from it, many have very good reasons to go, but you would be one of the ones who actually DOES it.  You're reading the blog, which is great, now really think about taking the next step.  Talking with someone makes all aspects of your life better, and while you can't shower here, you can figure out what your plan is and actually have someone help you execute and stick with it.  There are two types of people: Those who are in therapy and those who could REALLY use it.

I know that you want to make changes.  I know that you're motivated.  Now let's just get started on making your life better by talking with someone, not just talking about making your life better.   No overpriced workout clothes required.  After all, nobody said that it would be easy, but nobody said that you had to do it alone.