Often in this blog you will see me refer to Route 1. For those of you out of state, Route 1 is *THE* major highway here in Delaware: The Land of No Sales Tax (I'm trying to get them to make that the state motto, but it hasn't been quite so effective). While the point of Route 1 is to be able to go north to Wilmington or I-95 or go south to the beaches, there is constant construction. Constant. It all seems timed around whenever the hell you have to get somewhere, and it can be frustrating (to be more accurate, add a word or two that you can't say on TV. Then multiply it times a million).
When we No-Sales-Taxians (it will catch on!) drive that way, there's inevitably some sort of delay. It might be construction, texting drivers, or "Oh No There Are Flurries So I Can't Remember How To Drive" Syndrome (seems to be an epidemic these days). So, what do we do? Sometimes we have to take another route in order to get where we need to be, and while it can seem like a step backwards, it's not. There's no such thing as two steps forward and one step back; it's still three steps forward. It's getting us where we want to be even if our compass tells us that we're going the wrong way.
When we No-Sales-Taxians (it will catch on!) drive that way, there's inevitably some sort of delay. It might be construction, texting drivers, or "Oh No There Are Flurries So I Can't Remember How To Drive" Syndrome (seems to be an epidemic these days). So, what do we do? Sometimes we have to take another route in order to get where we need to be, and while it can seem like a step backwards, it's not. There's no such thing as two steps forward and one step back; it's still three steps forward. It's getting us where we want to be even if our compass tells us that we're going the wrong way.
When I work with people, they've often had it up to here ("here" varies from person to person, of course), so they are very focused on getting things to where they want them to be. That's awesome and that's my goal, too, but it's going to take a little (or a lot of) tweaking. We may need to add some steps, remove some, or put them in the right order. Sometimes it can feel like we're going full speed in the wrong direction, and there's a couple of reasons why it may feel that way. One or both of these may be applicable to our specific work together.
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1) We need to get off at this exit to get around what's blocking your way
Say school's out and you're trying to go up to New York like you do every summer but traffic's at a standstill. No matter how many times you honk your horn or try to glare at that guy who just happens to be in the next car, you know that there is *ALWAYS* this traffic jam. You curse the idiot drivers, you say that this always seems to happen to just you (despite the problem clearly being that so many other people are in the exact same position), and you try to find something good on the radio which is of course playing nothing but crap. What else do you do? You get mad at your wife or husband or kids when they're not the ones causing the back up. That ends with you spending a night on the couch or trying to buy back your kids' love with ice cream (bad idea, by the way). Oh, and you are *STILL* sitting in traffic.
So, what's the way out? Take the next exit, swing back around south and take the local roads to go north until you're past the jam. It may sound simple, but many people think that it's a waste of time, that they're just going to hit a million more lights, or they just plain don't know anything but taking the same road. So yeah, I'm saying to go south for a bit in order to get further north, and that sounds like just going backwards. It's not. Your method of staying stuck in traffic literally doesn't get you anywhere, but taking a step or two back so that you can have a better plan moving forward is, well, is exactly what taking steps forward is. You wouldn't get to where you want to be unless you altered your strategy a bit, so even those literal steps backwards are actually the best steps forward.
You take a new route, it gets easier as you keep on using it, and now being stuck in traffic is now a thing of the past. Will you sometimes hit bumps? Sure. However, you'll be very pleasantly surprised as to how quickly "going backwards" actually gets you to where you want to be.
2) You're doing it wrong.
Let's be honest: If doing things your way was completely effective, then you wouldn't need to contact me or anyone else in the first place. I'm not going to just tell you the best way to go, but we can work together to see what's not working. Maybe it's the time that you're leaving, maybe it's the lane that you're in, or maybe New York actually isn't where you want to be and have been aiming the wrong way the entire time.
The first part of that process is going back to the basics. What do you want? Why do you want it? What are you doing to get you there? What's getting in your way? What was I supposed to pick up from the grocery store on the way home? It sounds like we're starting back at square one, and in this case we are, and that's progress. You're not taking a step backwards, and that's because all of those steps you were taking before were the very steps that were getting you further from your goal. You're not dropping back to square one; buddy you haven't even gotten THAT far yet! So you have to stop doing it the wrong way, go back to the beginning, and then get on the right track. That's exactly what we do when we work together.
An example of this is trying to spend more time with your teenage son. You ask, you set up things to do together, you buy him those $350 headphones, you check on him in his room, etc. It seems like no matter what he just doesn't want to even be on the same planet as you. So, what's the first step? Leave him alone. Sounds stupid because it's exactly the thing that you're trying to change, but you need to back off a bit before he'll actually want to spend time with you as opposed to just getting yelled at again. So taking that step back is actually taking giant step forward!
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Typically it's a lot easier than you think once you get your bearings straight. It's not so much hard as it is a pain in the ass, really. Keep it up, though, and it becomes second nature and you'll do it automatically. Not just in that area of life that you're working with me for, either. It will help you in ALL aspects of your life, from your own emotions to how you treat your wife to how you engage at work/school to literally everything else. Amazing what one small shift can do to your entire world. As I said, there's no such thing as two steps forward and one step back; it's three steps forward. Even that "backwards" step is one that you needed to take in order to get to where you want to be.
Does that mean that you'll be having perfect days 100% of the time? Of course not, but it will trend upwards and you will have good days way more often than bad. Sometimes people worry that the slightest hint of failure means that they're just back to their old and ineffective ways, but that's not true. An example is a couple who comes in for counseling because they fight all of the time, and we work together to alleviate that. The other day I get a frantic call from the husband saying that they just had a fight over where to go to dinner so he thinks that they're back to their old ways and their marriage is doomed. Nah, that's not true at all. Couples fight, it happens, it often doesn't mean that you're back to where you started. By the way, I heard from the couple after our work was done for a few months, and they're still doing well.
Another example is with depression. So you've really examined how you're approaching things, you're doing life differently and more effectively, and then you have a bad day and feel sad. Does that mean that you're back to being depressed? No, you just had a bad day or maybe even a couple in a row. That's part of that whole "being a person" thing no matter who you are. We talk about it, get it out, and then tomorrow is better.
So, if you'd like more information on this or to talk about how you're willing to move forward even if forward doesn't always look like what you thought it would, then please feel free to contact me. I don't charge for phone calls or e-mails, so go ahead and give me a buzz so that we can talk about what's happening and see if we're a good match to move forward. You can call me at (302) 464-0021, e-mail me here, or use this contact form to get in touch. We can then set up a time to meet. That's the first step forward. Worst case scenario is that you're in here and not on Route 1 for a while. That's a win no matter who you are!
---
1) We need to get off at this exit to get around what's blocking your way
Say school's out and you're trying to go up to New York like you do every summer but traffic's at a standstill. No matter how many times you honk your horn or try to glare at that guy who just happens to be in the next car, you know that there is *ALWAYS* this traffic jam. You curse the idiot drivers, you say that this always seems to happen to just you (despite the problem clearly being that so many other people are in the exact same position), and you try to find something good on the radio which is of course playing nothing but crap. What else do you do? You get mad at your wife or husband or kids when they're not the ones causing the back up. That ends with you spending a night on the couch or trying to buy back your kids' love with ice cream (bad idea, by the way). Oh, and you are *STILL* sitting in traffic.
So, what's the way out? Take the next exit, swing back around south and take the local roads to go north until you're past the jam. It may sound simple, but many people think that it's a waste of time, that they're just going to hit a million more lights, or they just plain don't know anything but taking the same road. So yeah, I'm saying to go south for a bit in order to get further north, and that sounds like just going backwards. It's not. Your method of staying stuck in traffic literally doesn't get you anywhere, but taking a step or two back so that you can have a better plan moving forward is, well, is exactly what taking steps forward is. You wouldn't get to where you want to be unless you altered your strategy a bit, so even those literal steps backwards are actually the best steps forward.
You take a new route, it gets easier as you keep on using it, and now being stuck in traffic is now a thing of the past. Will you sometimes hit bumps? Sure. However, you'll be very pleasantly surprised as to how quickly "going backwards" actually gets you to where you want to be.
2) You're doing it wrong.
Let's be honest: If doing things your way was completely effective, then you wouldn't need to contact me or anyone else in the first place. I'm not going to just tell you the best way to go, but we can work together to see what's not working. Maybe it's the time that you're leaving, maybe it's the lane that you're in, or maybe New York actually isn't where you want to be and have been aiming the wrong way the entire time.
The first part of that process is going back to the basics. What do you want? Why do you want it? What are you doing to get you there? What's getting in your way? What was I supposed to pick up from the grocery store on the way home? It sounds like we're starting back at square one, and in this case we are, and that's progress. You're not taking a step backwards, and that's because all of those steps you were taking before were the very steps that were getting you further from your goal. You're not dropping back to square one; buddy you haven't even gotten THAT far yet! So you have to stop doing it the wrong way, go back to the beginning, and then get on the right track. That's exactly what we do when we work together.
An example of this is trying to spend more time with your teenage son. You ask, you set up things to do together, you buy him those $350 headphones, you check on him in his room, etc. It seems like no matter what he just doesn't want to even be on the same planet as you. So, what's the first step? Leave him alone. Sounds stupid because it's exactly the thing that you're trying to change, but you need to back off a bit before he'll actually want to spend time with you as opposed to just getting yelled at again. So taking that step back is actually taking giant step forward!
---
Typically it's a lot easier than you think once you get your bearings straight. It's not so much hard as it is a pain in the ass, really. Keep it up, though, and it becomes second nature and you'll do it automatically. Not just in that area of life that you're working with me for, either. It will help you in ALL aspects of your life, from your own emotions to how you treat your wife to how you engage at work/school to literally everything else. Amazing what one small shift can do to your entire world. As I said, there's no such thing as two steps forward and one step back; it's three steps forward. Even that "backwards" step is one that you needed to take in order to get to where you want to be.
Does that mean that you'll be having perfect days 100% of the time? Of course not, but it will trend upwards and you will have good days way more often than bad. Sometimes people worry that the slightest hint of failure means that they're just back to their old and ineffective ways, but that's not true. An example is a couple who comes in for counseling because they fight all of the time, and we work together to alleviate that. The other day I get a frantic call from the husband saying that they just had a fight over where to go to dinner so he thinks that they're back to their old ways and their marriage is doomed. Nah, that's not true at all. Couples fight, it happens, it often doesn't mean that you're back to where you started. By the way, I heard from the couple after our work was done for a few months, and they're still doing well.
Another example is with depression. So you've really examined how you're approaching things, you're doing life differently and more effectively, and then you have a bad day and feel sad. Does that mean that you're back to being depressed? No, you just had a bad day or maybe even a couple in a row. That's part of that whole "being a person" thing no matter who you are. We talk about it, get it out, and then tomorrow is better.
So, if you'd like more information on this or to talk about how you're willing to move forward even if forward doesn't always look like what you thought it would, then please feel free to contact me. I don't charge for phone calls or e-mails, so go ahead and give me a buzz so that we can talk about what's happening and see if we're a good match to move forward. You can call me at (302) 464-0021, e-mail me here, or use this contact form to get in touch. We can then set up a time to meet. That's the first step forward. Worst case scenario is that you're in here and not on Route 1 for a while. That's a win no matter who you are!
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